I was reading another bloggers post today (lifeloveandbollocks). It was about being lonely. And I realized something. That is something I am afraid of. I’m afraid of being alone, dying alone especially now. (I miss my grandma so much 💔) In fact I’m so afraid of being alone that I’m never actually alone unless I’m sleeping. I’m not sure what happened. Maybe it was the breakup with California or something else. But I spend my time at work or my moms and then I’m only home to sleep and get ready for work and what not.I think I also settle for guys that I know for a fact I shouldn’t be with because I’m so afraid of being alone.
It’s crazy isn’t it. The way that fear can make you feel. The things that fear can make you do. This fear of being alone and dying alone is making me feel unable to cope lately. Ever since I gained weight after high school, but who hasn’t, I’ve had social anxiety. But lately my social anxiety has become bigger and is latching on to other things like this fear of being alone. On one hand I want to get out and meet someone but on the other hand I’m always thinking what will they think? Will they judge me? And then boom I’m back in the house under my covers crying because I’m going to die alone. No kids, no husband nothing. Gosh what’s wrong with me. I just want the me back from last year. I’m so sad and I don’t know what to do. I guess this is grief.